Not easy to be hard

Doing what I knew I had to do did not bring me any pleasure. I love a party and I would have loved to celebrate the birthday of my ex, as she passed the goal of living for 50 years. But, she ruined my birthday six months ago, and that was also my 50 year milestone. It was one of the two fights we had last year. I mistakenly invited her to join the dinner celebration of my birhtday with our son and she acted like it was something she could not wait to get over and done with. She treated my birthday celebration like a diarrhea expulsion.

To balance the scales, I should have ruined her birthday too but I did not. I took the high road. When she woke up, I wished her a happy birthday and then I spent the rest of the day in our usual routine of ignoring one another. At least she was able to have a nice dinner with our son. I ate alone on my birthday, staring across the table at a chair that was not empty but full of ghosts from my past.

My ex is the most self centered and selfish person that I know, by far. It was only on her own birthday that she might have thought about how badly she treated me on mine. She attempted to reach out to me, but I am no longer here. She was only trying to be friendly on a day that is all about her.

She does not know, and can not even imagine that it hurt me to have to be hard hearted and cold towards her. I wish that things were not the way that they are. Wishing is all that I can do, but I can not ignore the fact that she is the reason for most of the unhappiness in my life.

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