Solo Show

Will I really have to go to see this band play by myself? Many years ago, I asked myself this question and decided to just do it and see how it felt.

The first show that I went to see alone was Ted Nugent playing at the Nassau Coliseum in the late 1970s. Why was I the only one of my friends that wanted to see Ted? We all liked him, but I was the only one willing to take the 30 minute bus ride to the Coliseum than night.

After that, I knew the truth. The only time I need companionship at a live musical event is before and after, because during the performance I will be ignoring whoever I am with anyway.

It is always awkward to be sitting alone while I am waiting for the music to start, looking at all of the happy people with their friends, and wishing that I had friends there with me. But, I would rather be there feeling alone than actually being alone at home and wishing that I was seeing some live music.

Never once, even when the music sucked, have I wished that I stayed home instead. Well, almost never. There have been some crappy nights.

BUT, I wil not be blogging about music. I have tried to write about music before but I was not capable and I find reviews of shows that I have been to are even more inadequate than if I had written them. You really have to be there to know what is happening.


Before I got a DVR recorder, I had no idea how much fighting was televised, and that I was missing. Now, I record several hours of fighting each week and spend both Saturday and Sunday mornings doing nothing else but watching it. Some weeks, like this one, there is too much and my viewing carries over into Monday. Being that I am obsessive/compulsive, I feel like I have to see everything. If you are a fan of fighting sports, you will know that the average is one good fight out of every ten that we watch, but it is worth it.

There were some great fights the past two nights.

But, I will not be blogging about the fights that I have watched. There are plenty of websites that do a perfectly fine job covering the sports of boxing and mixed martial arts.

The first complaint that people who are not fans of fighting sports have is that it is too violent but I do not watch fights for the violence. If I wanted to satisfy some kind of blood lust, I can find things to watch that are far more violent. A great fight is one where the two fighters are equally skilled and prepared. I do not want to see a mismatch, where one fighter beats the hell out of a lesser opponent. Just like everyone else, I wince and say “Ouch” when I see that happen. The fights that I enjoyed the most this past weekend were those when a fighter found a way to beat a guy that was physically stronger than he was, and another when the fighter came close to losing but overcame the adversity to win.

Is watching a great fight better than sex? No, but it usually lasts longer.


Into the Darkness

My productivity is compromised by my desire to drink alcohol excessively. One day or night a week, at the least, I will medicate myself with either whiskey or beer. When I do this, I am useless. It is completely selfish of me. Selfish and selfless because I am even stealing time from the creative side of my brain. I can not write, read or think clearly. I am overdosing, blurring my sense of reality and eventually falling asleep. This is different than social drunkenness. I do this alone. I do not want to converse. I am shutting down, only being able to do consume the music and movies that other people created. Amusingly, even in my incapacitated condition I still find most of the movies I watch are insulting to my intelligence.

I will never be insulting your intelligence by writing and posting anything while I am drunk. Luckily for all of us, I have no patience for keyboards when I am inebriated. If you are my friend on Facebook, you will see a stream of me sharing YouTube music videos and you will know that I am drinking heavily. I forget to limit myself to one or two video shares, which I think is the proper etiquette?

Why do I do drink myself nearly to death? Because I know what will happen if I do not. I need to shut down my soul or I will overheat. I get so tightly wound up inside that I am combustible. I am doing this to save you from the monster inside of me.

What is this?

This blog will not be my life story. The purpose of my posting these writings is to entertain you. Most of the time, I want to make you smile. Other times, when I am complaining about something it might make you feel better about your own life because you can relate to and share my misery or you could be happy that your life is better than mine. Once, there was a guy who considered suicide but thanked me for sharing my stories because it made him realize that I was worse off than he was and I had no intentions of killing myself, so he kept on living too. I am not sure if I should have felt good about that, but I did.

The best compliment I have ever received was that someone laughed so much that they peed in their pants. When I finally publish a book, I want that to be one of the review blurbs.

I have been blogging online for a long time. First on Yahoo, then Myspace  and some  Livejournal as well. Anyone who is interested in doing so can read all about my ridiculous life. The past few years I have been active on Facebook and Twitter. I will continue to use the Facebook and Twitter for shorter notes and use this website for longer posts. Also, I take requests. If you want me to write about something, all you have to do is ask.

Yesterday I had trouble falling asleep after mistakenly erasing my previous website and replacing it with what I thought was going to be this additional blog. A friend of a friend had created a great webpage for me, and now it is gone. When will I have the time to learn how to use this software and try to recreate what has been lost? Probably not until I have retired from my job.

Who am I?

Here is a snapshot of my life, on February 23 2013. I am fifty years old and I am not happy. Life is not what I imagined it would be for me back when I was a younger man. Of course, things could be worse. I hear that all the time whenever I complain about life, but just because I could be unhappier does not bring me any joy.

If I am depressed, it is because I should be. I prefer to call my condition “DeStression”, which is a more of an angry and frustrated type of depression rather than the tragic kind. I never sit around crying and feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I clinch my fists and wish that I knew how to solve all of my problems just by beating the crap out them. Sadly, that is not the answer. What are the causes of my unhappiness? My failed marriage and my work schedule make my life miserable, and the solution to both of these problems is to stop and change but it is not that simple. I do plan to stop and change but not for another five years or so. Until then, I will grind it out.

I would leave and divorce my wife this afternoon, and she would be fine with it, but I will never abandon my son. I promised him that I would always be here for him. He was an infant at the time and did not understand my promise, but that is not what is important. I know that I made the promise and I intend to keep it. Have I failed as a father? I hope not. I have not given up on trying to raise my son and I sometimes think that maybe he loves me. Today he is sixteen years old, with just over two more years of high school left. Once he finishes school, the burden of his tuition will be gone. If I leave today, neither one of us can afford to pay our rent and his private school tuition. I suppose I could pay for both if I really had to, but I would have no money left over to enjoy a social life. The only thing my wife and I agree on is that we want a good future for our son. As far as his going to college, he will have to find a way to pay for that on his own.

Quitting my job now would be a bad idea, even as much as I am tempted to do so. I have too many years invested into my “Career” and the goal of a pension is within sight now. In another five years, I will be old enough and will have worked there long enough so that they will pay me to leave. The pension will not be enough to live off of, but I can use it to supplement a lower paying job that I will not hate working. The job that I perform is not my complaint. It is my work schedule. I work the night shift, 10pm to 6:30am and I work on the weekends. It is a brutal schedule and there is no doubt that it is unhealthy for me both mentally and physically. How many years off of my life do I lose for each year of working the night shift? I try not to think about it.

My typical week begins with work on Wednesday night. After work, I come home and watch television. I relax by watching people hurt each other, Mixed Martial Arts and boxing. I also record the late night talk shows, just in case there is a good band playing. I do not actually watch the shows. I watch very little television other than sports. I repeat this routine of work and boredom for the next four nights. My weekend starts on Monday morning, but if there is a social scene happening anywhere at that time I still have not found it after almost a decade of searching. Thankfully, New York City provides entertaining things for me to do on Monday and Tuesday nights. On one of these two nights and some weeks on both of them, I will be watching live music being played in a club. Live music is pretty much the only thing that I leave my house to see.

There are never enough free hours in my day for me to pursue all of the hobbies or interests that I have. I enjoy reading, listening to music, playing video games and chess. And, I am a writer. I should do more writing. Writing other things besides my boring life story.